Aviators and a Camera

“I used to have this APPETITE for my life. And now it’s just … gone.”

Few people in my life understand this as well as I personally do.

Reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s memoir last fall after hearing so many bad things about it, I found that as much as I agreed with some critics on the book as a whole…I also understood exactly where Gilbert was coming from. Maybe I would not have made the same choices she did. Regardless, I know with every fibre of my being exactly how frustrated and disheartened Gilbert must have been when she said the above.

Last year (2009) as I was facing a crumbling marriage that was beyond saving, the disillusionment that comes from doing the very opposite of what one really wants to do with their life only to please others and for the first time, the true effects of a childhood full of abuse – I understood.

I used to be a wedding photographer. I was good at my job. There are times I very much enjoyed that job. I can look back now at some of the weddings I shot and smile because of the happy memories some of my images evoke and the pleasant thoughts of some of the amazing clients I was able to work with. However, that was always a job to me. Always. (This is when I want to apologize in advance to any former clients reading this and ask you to read this in its entirety before you judge me or fire off an email. I am not saying I am not grateful for the opportunities you gave me – because, I AM.)

You see, when I was a child, I dreamed of photography being a part of my one day career. I was always a photographer at heart. However, I never dreamed of being a wedding photographer. That happened by accident. From day one it was a job because I had to do it when I moved to a new state with my new (now ex) husband and found myself unable to find more traditional full time work. My hobby, turned into a job and I gave up my dreams for my spouse. It was never what I truly wanted to do. Being a traveling photographer, writer and aid worker – this is what I have always wanted to do with my life since my earliest ability to think on what adults do when they “grow up”.

Now, single – at 2 months shy of my 30th birthday: I am finally on the path to what I have always wanted to do. It’s true that I am still editing a few weddings that I shot late this year. I’m even booked to still shoot a few more in 2011. The few clients I have booked for next year, I have booked because I want to work with them; not because I have to.

For me, I will be pursuing travel photography and reporting with an emphasis on doing good – because it makes me happy. Because “I used to have this appetite for my life. And now it’s just gone.” and after a year of soul searching I know what will bring it back. It’s not leaving for a year long RTW that will end in love in Bali. I am not shallow enough to think that having a man in my life is the solution to everlasting happiness. I had a taste of that once, and it didn’t make me happy or fulfill my appetite for life. It was not enough then, it will never be enough on its own. Love is a wonderful thing that I see many people building a successful life around, but romantic love is not the only currency of joy. Seeing the world, pointing a spotlight with my photography and writing to the places on our planet that need more attention, expanding my world view by experiencing other cultures – this is what will, and has already begun to, bring back my appetite for life and happiness.